DISDAIN ANIMOSITY

You named it. It hella two years and there is still not changing. 

I am disgusted. 

I took it as a learnin process from the start but it keep becomes hard and painful. 

Saya sedang mencari saya !

Still in hospital, potraying everything, feel everything. When the time ask me to be nice there are always a blocker in the kiddle of the road. 

Yesterday somehow so sweet. Got the number to call, got free food after mentioned it as a joke. To him, it might be a small gestures but it mean a lot to me. 

For some slumpy bumpy girl, there is no way these things are happening. It was close for sure on in lifetime to happen. 

Thanks for al the feels. Grateful for the heavu emotions too. Salute. 

DIAGNOSED

This year the pain intensely keep coming just like what I expected last year..

Nothing really helping and boost me more.

Nothing would driven me more. What I had learned from this past months and year, there is nothing would be happening if you stay in the hell pit. 

someone would say, dont stay in hell forever, keep going dont stop!. but that does not really what is happening to me. Literally, I could not do the job I wanted out to do the most this year. Things needed to stop and I lost my two cents income wholly. 

I tried to open a small business at my home and it literally keeping going but won produce as much as the other job. How to do more and keeping it going? I knew the answer but still, it never let me shine yet.

everyone has their shining time and I would love to believe that. I am not as young as before. I might diagnosed with illness that I dont want to acknowledge of. I need time to prepare but it still triggered me every time i need to face it. I cannot control myself. I am afraid. I wish, everyone would feel as I felt so that it wont hurt this much and ease my anxieties.

i wish to write only happy things in the future and may this sorrowful dissapears forever from my life and only contentment filled my everyday life in the future. i hope, i still got the hang of it to attract positives vibes to me. Allah, please grant all the blesses, happiness to me and put away all  the pain and sorrows. 

TAKUT

 I GOT FEARS

ABUNDANT OF FEAR THAT I AM AFRAID TO FACE ON,

WISH TIME WOULD STOP AND PROBLEMS LET ME FREED,

THE ONLY THINGS THAT EXCITES ME MORE NOW IS NONE OTHER THAN FOOD AND EATING WHICH HELPLESSLY  TO BE TEMPORARY.

THE TIMES I ATE, REMINDED ME TO THAT LIFE STILL GOES ON AND WOULD NEEDED ME TO STAND UP STILL 

I HATE THIS FEELING 

KEEPING THIS FEELING FOR SUCH A LONG TIME MADE ME WANNA LEAVE EVERYTHING BEHIND

BUT IT WAS NOT AS EASY AS I MIGHT THINK AND I SAY.

DONT COMPARE YOUT LIFE TO OTHERS. THAT LINE IS SUPER POWERFUL TO BE APPLY INTO YOUR DAILY BASIS AND TO FEEL IT THOUGH IS ALREADY A STRUGGLE

I KNEW SOMEONE I LOOK UP FOR, HE SAID THIS YEAR DONT THINK, FEELIT.

I WISH ONLY GOOD THINGS TO HAPPEN AMIDST THIS LOCKDOWN.

THINGS WORKS FOR ME BUT MANY WERE NOT.

THINGS THAT WERE NOT GETTING ME HEADACHES AND I THING IT GAVE ME A PERMANENT FEELING

FEAR/ TAKUT.

I DONT WANNA FEELING THIS ANYMORE EVER. THIS PAIN ARE NOT BEARABLE ANYMORE THAT IT DISTURBES MY LIFE CYCLE AND HEALTH.

STRESS DO GIVE ME WEAK IMMUNE SYSTEM AND I FOUND IT HARD TO FEEL HAPPY.  COUNTLESS PAIN OVERCOME ANY SWEET AND FRUITFUL MOMENT I HAVE. 

NEVERTHELESS , I AM STILL HOPING THIS PAIN WOULD STOP AND FREED ME FOREVER. 

Expressed It Later

These days, i am doing the same things over and over again. I rarely keep coming here because i do write on somewhere elses. I cant go on without writing the unjustices and happiness i had at the moments. 

The blog i write is for me to read in future and get the feel how am i been living all this while. Is that worth it or not. 

I keep argue many things,and i can tell that others wanted me to cool down a bit. If i could do so, i would be the happiest girl on the earth. Nothing could hold be behind. Money still cant. I got it proven already. 

It is just when you cannot do the things you wanted to do, you yourself felt ugly and worse. 

Leads you to hate everybody, becoming evils and stubborn. 

It is not that i am forget to believe people, it is just i dont. Till this days, i never have someone doing something for me without gettin it repaid. 

I am on my own and i have hard times to believe on people even when they do goods all the times. 

I expressed only to write , not to impress. That way i am feeling better. I wanted to do so many things but i dont have the driven forces onto it. 

For all the things i can do it alone, just for this one things, i need backup and support. When you have already what it takes to be you, there is no times for you to take care someone else. 

Express to peoppe got two ways. Either they listen or they just wait to tell their stories too. At the end, there is no solutions into thats. 

Getting older, sometimes wiser and idiots at same times. 

You got to express what you need. Nothing you should be afraid of, this is you and you just being you. Just maybe a reminder, always be kind to any souls. 

A RUINED DAY IN LIFE

If I were to write one thing. i could never can write. 

Today's diary, I went to tuition class and got back under a scorching sun and resumes to my ice cream business. Talkin about my small business made me recalled to the interview day. 

I am uncoincidently tearing up and cry in front of them. What a foolish of me. Regret that for the whole three days and kept myself busy to some sort distract my mind from get into it. 

I keep telling myself never to regret. You have tried. The closet person to ourselves is our own self which needed to be trusted and needed to be pat always. 

I am sorry for not taking a good care of my heart. 

SOCIAL ANXIETY

I do not find comfort talking much around people. i keep changing and i am not the old me. i dont enjoy being with people and gain nothing from it. 

i need to recharge myself alone. explained why i always stays alone and locked myself up alone back in those years. 

i dont know what to say in a meanigless conversation. however, i do enjoy accompany with people that i wanted to be with. and this occur repeatedly when i am in a good mood and need sombody to spill the words inside me. 

DWELLING

I started this morning lightly. I discovered how much I really love my mother till I took a side. 

These days, I have been thinking a lot on how to improve myself. What did I need to prepare for my future, what works should I do? But nothing beats the times left I need to be with my mom. 

I strongly believe, these two years and this tough year taught me a lot about patient, accepting and move on. 

Well I believe, He wanted to show me something and let me learning through out of it. He held my heart about where I need to be and feel.

But I still dont lose conscious. I am still thinking, lets say all of this stopped, what I need to do do fore front. I have been figuring it out. 

I knew it is going tougher and tougher, I pray for a strong self and heart. I pray for never be give up and rising again. Hope I still sane after all of this.

My experiences would be meaningless if I am not  fix it from now. I knee but my heart would not let me do so. Every time I put my mind to find the jobs, something will happen. 

It seems like a sign. Not one or twice but often. So I took it as a sign for me to stay but not too comfortable. 

Time passed, I felt myself are so timid introvert and got no skills at all. It made me wonder what I really need to do to improve myself. 

TOUGHER year

2020 sudah berada di penghujung hari. Sesetengah orang bergembira untuk menutup tahun ini dan berasa teruja untuk melangkah ke tahun baru.

Well that was not created for me. Either i have no ambition or less greed i figured it out already. I wanted to live beyong any mean but still in a way that i can survive. 

Today we got the news about covid in our placr. It was terrible. I am avoiding it at all cost and finally it was here. I am so scared. Feeling hopeless. 

I am worried for mama. I cant bear the fear of losing someone i cherished the most. She is my pillar. 

I longed for her even when she is in front of me. Seeing her all sicks hurt my heart so much. Someone with family would never understand that. 

I wish all of these are not happening. Mama could be avle to walk and smile happily without any pain insides. 

I hate to remember that this year only give me pain and hesitations. It was dark as ever. Mama was admitted to ward fourth times and undergoes covid inspections for twice. 

It was horrible

 It was dark. 

I dont wanna repeat. 

But i repeated it twice. 

Horror  😢

I know next year would be tougher.. i am hoping for strength. Strenght so that i can stand up straight and think. 

No word please be nice. Just hoping i can cope with everything and survive. 

Nothing Different

December has finally come. 

Nothing really change for me. Seriously. 

These two days been feeling like hell. A hell of all. Not doing anything plus with the melancholy weather. Raining crazily. Non stop. 

Living in a fear. Feeling slump. sakit kepala. 

Open job portals but stuck in a middle. Nothing excites me anymore. 

Even this writing has finally become obliged for me to write. 

I wanted to keep it here as angry scribble hoping my anger would go away. 

The more I look into myself, the more i discover how incompentent I am.  Oh shit. 

I talk fast and i hope my worlds also spinning fast so I can quickly see the future me. 

Times tickling around so slowly that I count times to explode really. 

This pandemic has been hard for me. So hard. Made me feel useless all the time. 

Sick sick sick . 

Saya sedang mencari saya !

DROPLETS OF SEASONS

many are aware that near to end of year, rainy and flood season would welcomed us. 

to  me back in those years, i appreciate rainy seasons as there is no other way i would feel this cold without the need to pay the bills.

the newest me would hella worried as i need to take care many of things and it disturbed me to even hear the sound of the lightning. as i am growing older, i felt fear to many things. 

things are not the same it was used to be. i need to get used to it and moving on. 

the lucky and fun moments always there and you have lived with it. now focus on your dreams more. 

love you.

SAFEST PLACE

i thought my mind would be the safest place i know. it was not. hahahaha. 

reading previous post and i laughed at myself for talking to myself, making judgement, assumptions and even good and bad ments towards my own post. 

seriously, mind need a whole lot rest. 

dear my lovable mind, dont judge. dont be afraid of ments, let them speak out. the same way you speak out. 

no prejudice. even to yourself. things would be whole lot easier. dont doubt. but think. 

praise yourself lots and smile to yourself. forgive yourself often too. love you.

Saya sedang mencari saya !

BIZZARE MORNING

woke up this morning to find out the same status about me. 

but when i had done the same things the feelings are comfortable and rarely tired. 

i wonder what is it mean. Allah please always hold my heart from evil's whisper.

Saya sedang mencari saya !

TALK SHIT

Been reading a lot about life quotes which has been telling you to stay firm and lead you into several ways to steer your life problems. hell of the day, i hate myself to bring myself upon this.

i talk back as they are not merely the solutions i need to. but when i read it twice i started to understand the  deep meaning. so why would the first brain of me would defend upon it so negatively. 

guess that is just me. being me is tired but being me able to see it through  after sometimes really peace me out for awhile. even usually i felt suck at most times.

i need to tell myself to see this in a diff way not like the first you time you see it. 

" h you to Saya sedang mencari saya !

Isfp-t THE ADVENTURER

I took multiple test regarding my personality and its shown. 

100% confirmed and i am sure about. the traits that were discussed are so me. 

However, I am disturbed by one things. I am an introverts and find its hard to crawl out from my comfort zones, but other half of me would wanted more. 

want to explore , try and see manu things. 

its complicated. 

I hope i can cool down about this personality season and get back.on my track back. 

RANDOM YESTERDAY

As I am typing my thought, these come out and potray. 

FRIENDS

Friend is someone that you can affliate with even when you are being separated for a long time. Awkward moments are in different dimension and was not being mentioned at all. Friends that turn your guys vibe on are tyes of people that you can keep on being friend for a very longer time. Memoried will still remains and you will create more with them in the future. 

MONEY 

I hate to say that this thing is so important for you to live your life.  The confidence can naturally flows in if you have the money things. If you came from a good family background, it is already determined your future good life halfway.Your insecurities can be threw away with the money things too. Of course, rich people do not see this as a main issue. For them, money is not everything and something that everyone should have for life. But for the poors, they hardly try to convince themselves that the money is not about everything either howrever still working the ass off in the pain even when the things are not rewarded in much. 

PANDEMIC

Even during this confusing season, when poors are trying so hard to make living, there will always another punk and bull shitter who does not give a fuck about what is happening surrounding. Of course, it could be anyone, anytime. Their awareness and firmness about this confusing season literally a total mess. Ianya adalah satu situasi di mana orang orang tidak dapat membuat pilihan.

  

BLESSING 

It is weird on how you felt blessing and grgratefulnes only once in awhile and not in every day life. is that an indicator where your doas being answered or not?. If yes, I do really be in troubled. i rarely felt blessing and sometimes not. 

CURHAT / SPILLING THE TEA

The last session just occur. The one who give counselling is a person that had gone through much. They literally have been facing the same things and trying to give a warmer apparoach for you even when the situations are not the same. Allah is always there and He kept testing you in this world because nothing comes easy at first place. You have missions to be solved and remember your missions cannot be done and hard journey awaits if we exclude Him on the way. Not with people who have doubts at least. 

SELF TRAITS

Isfp-t. The adventerous one. Looking for many things to feel directly. easy to feel bored but love everything that are discoverable. if it happen for you to stuck, you will find it hard to cut off. if that was it, your passion will be lacking and less desires to finish in. Happiness comes when you decided it to be and unfortunately sad comes even when you dont expected for it. impromptly without consent. 

CAUTIOUS 

So many times this words made appearance. Need to pay for its appearance sooner. lacked surrounding educate us to be more cautious and have things happen more in a reserved way.

INTEREST

self interest is harder to stated when you have many other interest. The things is you will have same passion even when things are not rewardinh that much you have been trying and worked on 

UNVEILD YOUR YIELD

 

Many things were unveiled and you started to feel fear.

At that time you were slowly adapted to your struggles,

Then there comes a few more uneasiness.

I wonder is that what life was really meant,

Or I just take it too negatively.

Life is a constant learning process where you will bear those guilty pleasures forever

I tend to take it pessimistically but it is I just can’t help to live without it

It seems when you are in adapted, the more will come.

If others are the same with me, why I don’t see them bursting?

They might try as hard as me, but how did they hide it well?

The face of them was facing hardships, where did they throw it away?

For once I wish somebody would tell me to do,

For once I wish somebody would allow me to lean on.

Again, the insecurities that are inside of me keep questioning,

I am taking it too much and even do nothing.

I try but not so hard

I cry but not too loud

I persuade but not to passionate.

Again, I is the one that needs to blamed on.

I just want everything simple where I can make money constantly, put smile on my face,

Feel the easiness of life even without luxury.

I felt somebody would come and shouting at me.

There is no such thing that you don’t try hard to get.

I am thinking and thinking that doing the work might be easy and steady,

But another me would thinks that as a cheapskate. Fight this insecurities who

Never let my guard down and keep my skin thin as always.

Be in love or be with another half is seems so impossible when you can even figure out your own life.

Assets are not in my list as I still learning to stand up. I am bearing and holding.

I hope my feet can be landed someday and walk further to explore this world. The dreams that I collected, I hope it won’t be furnished along with my spirit intelligence.

Fuck the whole dignity that sucked up. I hope at least, there would be someone grabbed my hand and bring me along to their easy world. Ours might be totally different but i would love to see yours too.

Till that time coming, hope the fire is still burning and keep flames me every day.

 

 

MIND CONTROLLING

just before i write this, i wrote something brilliant about age at 25 years old. What would you feel and how you live your life nowadays. 

But it turn out a bit bitter when i found somw quotes which was meant for me sent by my friend. 

It says there, i dont need to be always bitter about life. be happy and it will promotes myself into another brilliant phases. But dont be easy to until someone else can step on you. 

To her thinking, she might think that she helped me by sending the tweets. But me arr struhgling to understand something in the middle of the sentences. 

It is as feel as  i always took life in a bitter way that is why i cannot invite happiness into my life. If it was then,then i should be honest to myself.. i dont like it and she barely only the word bitter that only applies to her. 

Everyday i control my mind to be able to accept my current life despites all those ' kekurangan' and the tweets punched straight into my heart

I am not taking thia life in a bitter way. I am saying i am learning how to control my mind everyday to accept everything. Of course i am trying to be happy. I dont wanna show my happiness on soc media. I mean to show sadness. They should know it regardless.

Good night

PROGRESS THIS OCTOBER

Many things had occured this month. If I were to summarised everything, it would be a grateful feeling that I never felt before. 

Early of this month, Mama went into emergency red zones for having fever 39 celcius and  vomitting. Been suspected for covid as cases in country spike up suddenly. Mama being isolated from us for two days in isolation wardngAfter the test result were determined and confirmed negative mama being transfered into wad 8 tengah timur. and i stay for one night to accompany her. Then she was discharge. Alhamdulillah.  

Today is one year annivesarry of Atok went to Rahmatullah. Mama cooks a meal for her aunty and request me to bring her there. 

Yesterday, I remember I had a good feelings to tell somehow I forgot how. Oh yeah, I went to tuition class for teaching and have a small talk with Kak Azie and realised that I am older and more mature and more grown up. Before I rebels too much, but now I can see the new me trying to accept everythings happen on me slowly. 

I find reasons in everything and took much time to consolidate and that somehow gives me too much stress. Many times I told myself too accept everything but it did not really work. 

But I learnt to spent my energy on somewhere else. Lately i have been into a kpop group which I think i will stop liking them in just a few months after. Their songs really comforts me in a certain way. 

It made me thinks that out there, there are people struggling and sacrifices just like you. you are not alone. Keep hanging on Allah and keep asking Him to return you a magnificent strength and faith towards Him. 

I have conducted my MBTI test lately and I found that my personality is quite introverted. but still adventerous. i mean that is how I feel all the time. so the test encourages me to expose myself a bit more as I have some knowledges about myself. ISFP. 

For adult like me now, money is always the main problems. I wanted to things but still dont have courage on that. i am never mingle around right people and dont even have right peoplw to show it to me. But I think of that is what things are gonna spin around me. first I have to accept it first. 

I hope, there will many more friends or people who are willing to spend their playing times with me. I really wanna sweat out but my ways would be interrupt people surrounding me too much. 

Me myself have too much lackings and I will fix it slowly. 

These day, I am interested in learning many new things and want to di many new things that i dont have courage and dont want to do during in my study days. 

I told you dear self, I am slowly changing. As for my study days, I am too timid and rigid to only study and rarely having funs with my friends, but i will never regret it. that was me back in those days and I am gonna cherised it forever. 

These day,i find playing with people and migle around can shift you stress away by sweating out. that is why i am desperately wanna go out and meet people. I am influenced by what i put my interest in during that present. 

i am gonna love my present and trying to learn many things as many possible. thank you. till next times. 

MY THOUGHT FOR TODAY

there is some part of me wanna let people know what I have been doing, but I am a human afterall, got insecurities towards other people and try to hid it well too. 

for others whom really remembers me by their heart, despite my things.. i would really share it heartily to them. but for those whom i still not confident enought, I choose to hide it well.

there is nothing to brag on. Just me living my sad life thrilly. 

i am still growing and maturing at times. still learning so many things alone. pardon and forgives me throughout times. 

still learning how to really open my heart sincerely and be open at crucial times. 

slowly i immersed into this timid thingy and it got me suffocated. 

i need somebody to help me. but there is no one. literally no one. everyone has somethings going on in their life. 

Mine would be seen as a piece of crumbles paper sheet which can be unfolded in times.

but i am tired. really tired. Allah please hold me at heart and faith. 

Saya sedang mencari saya !

TODAY

Today many things happened and I would like to surpress only a few things. 

first i dont really wanna jump into my science field to fit in my working world. i found it distressing. a lot. 

secondly, i am still a poor girl who has so many dreams to be achieved

thirdly , i am trapped in this body that almost halt me to move forward.

i am still scared. scared to dead to even ponder what would happen to me in the future. 

so tired to compare, so tired to think. lead by example are not parallel to me.

living in a toxic surrounding with less self confidence would make it worsen.