DISDAIN ANIMOSITY

You named it. It hella two years and there is still not changing. 

I am disgusted. 

I took it as a learnin process from the start but it keep becomes hard and painful. 

Saya sedang mencari saya !

Still in hospital, potraying everything, feel everything. When the time ask me to be nice there are always a blocker in the kiddle of the road. 

Yesterday somehow so sweet. Got the number to call, got free food after mentioned it as a joke. To him, it might be a small gestures but it mean a lot to me. 

For some slumpy bumpy girl, there is no way these things are happening. It was close for sure on in lifetime to happen. 

Thanks for al the feels. Grateful for the heavu emotions too. Salute. 

DIAGNOSED

This year the pain intensely keep coming just like what I expected last year..

Nothing really helping and boost me more.

Nothing would driven me more. What I had learned from this past months and year, there is nothing would be happening if you stay in the hell pit. 

someone would say, dont stay in hell forever, keep going dont stop!. but that does not really what is happening to me. Literally, I could not do the job I wanted out to do the most this year. Things needed to stop and I lost my two cents income wholly. 

I tried to open a small business at my home and it literally keeping going but won produce as much as the other job. How to do more and keeping it going? I knew the answer but still, it never let me shine yet.

everyone has their shining time and I would love to believe that. I am not as young as before. I might diagnosed with illness that I dont want to acknowledge of. I need time to prepare but it still triggered me every time i need to face it. I cannot control myself. I am afraid. I wish, everyone would feel as I felt so that it wont hurt this much and ease my anxieties.

i wish to write only happy things in the future and may this sorrowful dissapears forever from my life and only contentment filled my everyday life in the future. i hope, i still got the hang of it to attract positives vibes to me. Allah, please grant all the blesses, happiness to me and put away all  the pain and sorrows. 

TAKUT

 I GOT FEARS

ABUNDANT OF FEAR THAT I AM AFRAID TO FACE ON,

WISH TIME WOULD STOP AND PROBLEMS LET ME FREED,

THE ONLY THINGS THAT EXCITES ME MORE NOW IS NONE OTHER THAN FOOD AND EATING WHICH HELPLESSLY  TO BE TEMPORARY.

THE TIMES I ATE, REMINDED ME TO THAT LIFE STILL GOES ON AND WOULD NEEDED ME TO STAND UP STILL 

I HATE THIS FEELING 

KEEPING THIS FEELING FOR SUCH A LONG TIME MADE ME WANNA LEAVE EVERYTHING BEHIND

BUT IT WAS NOT AS EASY AS I MIGHT THINK AND I SAY.

DONT COMPARE YOUT LIFE TO OTHERS. THAT LINE IS SUPER POWERFUL TO BE APPLY INTO YOUR DAILY BASIS AND TO FEEL IT THOUGH IS ALREADY A STRUGGLE

I KNEW SOMEONE I LOOK UP FOR, HE SAID THIS YEAR DONT THINK, FEELIT.

I WISH ONLY GOOD THINGS TO HAPPEN AMIDST THIS LOCKDOWN.

THINGS WORKS FOR ME BUT MANY WERE NOT.

THINGS THAT WERE NOT GETTING ME HEADACHES AND I THING IT GAVE ME A PERMANENT FEELING

FEAR/ TAKUT.

I DONT WANNA FEELING THIS ANYMORE EVER. THIS PAIN ARE NOT BEARABLE ANYMORE THAT IT DISTURBES MY LIFE CYCLE AND HEALTH.

STRESS DO GIVE ME WEAK IMMUNE SYSTEM AND I FOUND IT HARD TO FEEL HAPPY.  COUNTLESS PAIN OVERCOME ANY SWEET AND FRUITFUL MOMENT I HAVE. 

NEVERTHELESS , I AM STILL HOPING THIS PAIN WOULD STOP AND FREED ME FOREVER. 

Expressed It Later

These days, i am doing the same things over and over again. I rarely keep coming here because i do write on somewhere elses. I cant go on without writing the unjustices and happiness i had at the moments. 

The blog i write is for me to read in future and get the feel how am i been living all this while. Is that worth it or not. 

I keep argue many things,and i can tell that others wanted me to cool down a bit. If i could do so, i would be the happiest girl on the earth. Nothing could hold be behind. Money still cant. I got it proven already. 

It is just when you cannot do the things you wanted to do, you yourself felt ugly and worse. 

Leads you to hate everybody, becoming evils and stubborn. 

It is not that i am forget to believe people, it is just i dont. Till this days, i never have someone doing something for me without gettin it repaid. 

I am on my own and i have hard times to believe on people even when they do goods all the times. 

I expressed only to write , not to impress. That way i am feeling better. I wanted to do so many things but i dont have the driven forces onto it. 

For all the things i can do it alone, just for this one things, i need backup and support. When you have already what it takes to be you, there is no times for you to take care someone else. 

Express to peoppe got two ways. Either they listen or they just wait to tell their stories too. At the end, there is no solutions into thats. 

Getting older, sometimes wiser and idiots at same times. 

You got to express what you need. Nothing you should be afraid of, this is you and you just being you. Just maybe a reminder, always be kind to any souls. 

A RUINED DAY IN LIFE

If I were to write one thing. i could never can write. 

Today's diary, I went to tuition class and got back under a scorching sun and resumes to my ice cream business. Talkin about my small business made me recalled to the interview day. 

I am uncoincidently tearing up and cry in front of them. What a foolish of me. Regret that for the whole three days and kept myself busy to some sort distract my mind from get into it. 

I keep telling myself never to regret. You have tried. The closet person to ourselves is our own self which needed to be trusted and needed to be pat always. 

I am sorry for not taking a good care of my heart. 

SOCIAL ANXIETY

I do not find comfort talking much around people. i keep changing and i am not the old me. i dont enjoy being with people and gain nothing from it. 

i need to recharge myself alone. explained why i always stays alone and locked myself up alone back in those years. 

i dont know what to say in a meanigless conversation. however, i do enjoy accompany with people that i wanted to be with. and this occur repeatedly when i am in a good mood and need sombody to spill the words inside me. 

DWELLING

I started this morning lightly. I discovered how much I really love my mother till I took a side. 

These days, I have been thinking a lot on how to improve myself. What did I need to prepare for my future, what works should I do? But nothing beats the times left I need to be with my mom. 

I strongly believe, these two years and this tough year taught me a lot about patient, accepting and move on. 

Well I believe, He wanted to show me something and let me learning through out of it. He held my heart about where I need to be and feel.

But I still dont lose conscious. I am still thinking, lets say all of this stopped, what I need to do do fore front. I have been figuring it out. 

I knew it is going tougher and tougher, I pray for a strong self and heart. I pray for never be give up and rising again. Hope I still sane after all of this.

My experiences would be meaningless if I am not  fix it from now. I knee but my heart would not let me do so. Every time I put my mind to find the jobs, something will happen. 

It seems like a sign. Not one or twice but often. So I took it as a sign for me to stay but not too comfortable. 

Time passed, I felt myself are so timid introvert and got no skills at all. It made me wonder what I really need to do to improve myself.