A DROP OF TEARS

Today is the day Mama went for her dialysis and the day she will met her Doktor Pakar from neuro unit. From the blood result after discharged from ward, there are a few issues that needs to highlighted off. first, her tyroid hormon level in the blood which keep gettin high from the last three months. 

And also other things like creatinine and urea level in the body which can be controlled by strict diet. what concerns me more is her tyroid level, it can be cancerous and harm her body in a time. 

i felt sorry for mama for what she had been through. i am sorry i cannot help you mama. I m sorry for being the selfish me everytime. i am sorry. I know our time will not be longer anymore than I think and i hope. i need to be ready but i just can help to halt this tears from coming down my face. .

I want you to be there where you can smilingly seeing me lead a happy life. I want you to be there when i am at my peak and success. I am sorry I just can accept than giving. I am sorry. 

Allah, jauhkan ibuku dari api nerakamu ya Allah. mama adalah ibu yang terbaik untuk aku. dia banyak berkorban untuk aku sekeluarga. Jauhkan la dia dari api neraka. Rahmatilah dia, berkatilah dia. sembuhkan lah dia dari segala penyakit. Kuatkan lah kami semua untuk terima segala ujian dan dugaan Mu dengan hati yang reda Ya Allah. Sesungguhnya Engkau yang pegang hati hati kami maka kuatkanlah dekatkan dengan Mu Ya Allah. 

jangan biarkan kami jauh dari bau syurga Mu.

i believe, this is all not for granted. mama has been trying her best to live out this life. I love her, and she loved me too. Nothing can separate our love. but when times comes I hope I am strong enough and strong to face everything. 

TEARS ON MY FACE

It is indeed a very rare situation if I manage to spill everything inside me without  tears.  Tend to cry whenever  I spoke out my feeling inside.  the feeling is very stuffy and tiring. Not trying to let everybody  to pitt on me but i want their understanding and maybe their support  if they are willing to.  Honesty, it is very scary to get into it.  But I still need to spill out ev

erything so that I will feel light and breathing. I 

OWN SELF COMPLICATED 😵😖🌡️🔫☠️

Aku sendiri tak clear dengan apa yang aku nak buat masa sekarang.  That is why i just get along with it. Sometimes felt lonely,  sometimes I felt  rimas with people presence.  never crossed my mind that i would want to

understand others.  Me myself pun tak cover habis lagi.  🌡️🌡️🌡️🌡️

Kejap rasa over confident kejap rasa bottomless pit.  Harey betul.  However I am sure about one things that I want in my life and I would never spill it anywhere.  I will just working hard to get it.  Dah dapat,  mula laa tak hargai.  Manusia.  hooman.  kecilkan skop dia lagi.  aku kan tu 😌. 

Tommorow I got two classes and here I am still wondering wondering and ponder about what would happen next.  some people say,  do not overthinking, you might get dissapointed with so many pointless things.  Keep on focussing on what you have now.  

and once Yoongi from Bts said it is okay to live without dream yet.  it will come late or sooner.  We pray to Allah to show us high patient in educating ourself.  

Truthfully,  I am in a process to learn about myself.  Slowly slowly i get to know my own self and It takes me very long to understand parts of me.  So I keep reminding myself to not forget to keep forgiving  myself and be better in the future. 

Saya sedang mencari saya !

MATI ITU PASTI DAN DEKAT 😶✍️🙁

 Mati itu dekat dan pasti.  Slowly,  Allah lets me to learn and accept the faith He arranged.  I believed,  He will give me a superpower when the times comes.  What I need to 'usahakan'  and work hard is working on my temper and control it well.  Dear self,  be strong and sturdy.  You live your own lives.  Work Hard and never give up. This life has ups and down so so your life.  If today you are at pit bottom,  rise again and standing again.  Never give up.  Today heard one news about one acquatainces that I know.  He left his family yesterday.  just yesterday I took a morning strolling in front of his house and felt like yesterday I talked to hin regarding our relatives.  Allah,  your power is above everything.  Things happens overnight only when with your incredible power.  Let me and my family be always in your barakah and give his family a strong support Allah.  May he rest in your embrace always.  

BORN THIS DAY! 💗👑🎊🎉

Bismillahhirahmanirahim, Today is my birthday!  My 25 birthday.  Alhamdulillah Allah for the long live and experiences.  Terima Kasih Mama for fighting to give birth to me 25 years ago.  Now it is 25 years ago,,  cannot run from the numbers anymore.  

The purpose I am writing this early on morning is to compliment and praise myself for gettin all the way until today.  dear self,, you really have worked hard on your ways. I compliment you.  you are heartwarming,  you are sensible,  you are not straight like what they said cause your fighter spirit is always ready to defend yourself up.  You are good with your burning flames.  You are wise and intelligent and you really had learnt so many things despites all the struggles. Ans that is what make me proud of myself. you learnt how to calm your ego,  how to wait for others,  how to not treat others,  how to living with other.  You learnt all of thats slowly.  

To me that is matter.  Allah  show it slowly to you so you can cope. You are tough even when you said you arr not. you are good and awesome even when you try to deny it everytime.  

You are yourself superhero!  Keep going and keep on living with that flames.  I will rooting myself and force myself up.  Happy birthday to my dear self.  and enjoy the day today with your own philosophies.  Love from yourself💗🎊🎉🎉🎉🎉🎊

treat myself to good clothes and of course tapau mama with some other good foods.  They dont give,  you persuade .  hahahaha

0030820~WRITE ON THIS DAY 📅📚✏💯

A week has passed and still I am here stay. I told one of my friend about what I felt, she understood cause she has the same pace as me.She prayed to me. She also posted something for her and for me to see. I always encounter that. Someone been asking Aiman Azlan an influencer about their life, why is it not at same pace with other? strictly, Aiman said do not compare your life to other. It is their life and you got yours too. So be it dont cry. The one things always make me wonder is never other elses. MONEY.CHIEN. I still have things to pay and I wanna live out my life. I am afraid I am comfortable. I dont want the feeling living out my life overcome my duty as a daughter. However at the same time, I dont want to degrade my life into bottomless pit and doing nothing. If we were to say about enough, I have it enough. For breathing I have it all. rice clothes fav foods. All are prepared but the adult me want to plan something more bigger in the future. The flames slowly turn into a small light. I hope it is still standing and burning out no matter what. I am a human after all. try to fit in and adapt is really a struggles. Day by days becoming slower and maybe I could even die tommorow. Doing same things for 3 years now starting to make me looks pitiful and scarier.

030820 ✏📚📅 WRITE ON THIS DAY

I wanna grow. i wanna challenges. guess am too coward to do that. Never before I look down upon myself but slowly nowadays myself ego and pride starting to fade. I am worried I might be left far behind

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OUT OF ANGER 😟😤💣

When it comes to be lovable and be kind i can do it. But sometimes I need to tell things right. Love also comes with a hatred. Even toward someone you loved. It is not necessarily being called a toxic relationship but it is really toxic the time you felt anger. What made you patient? How was your life that you can really acts out of the context. Till today I still never met someone who are tsundere even after life did them dirty. 

Good background comes from surrounding. if you have a good surrounding, it is not weird at all to be kind, nice and soft. blame me and debate me. So that I know i am wrong. 

If I were to think about something else and compare with someone else. i already be mad and a crazy girl. So I would like to ask to you too never discuss about it if you don.t have any solution  to that.