DISDAIN ANIMOSITY

You named it. It hella two years and there is still not changing. 

I am disgusted. 

I took it as a learnin process from the start but it keep becomes hard and painful. 

Saya sedang mencari saya !

Still in hospital, potraying everything, feel everything. When the time ask me to be nice there are always a blocker in the kiddle of the road. 

Yesterday somehow so sweet. Got the number to call, got free food after mentioned it as a joke. To him, it might be a small gestures but it mean a lot to me. 

For some slumpy bumpy girl, there is no way these things are happening. It was close for sure on in lifetime to happen. 

Thanks for al the feels. Grateful for the heavu emotions too. Salute. 

DIAGNOSED

This year the pain intensely keep coming just like what I expected last year..

Nothing really helping and boost me more.

Nothing would driven me more. What I had learned from this past months and year, there is nothing would be happening if you stay in the hell pit. 

someone would say, dont stay in hell forever, keep going dont stop!. but that does not really what is happening to me. Literally, I could not do the job I wanted out to do the most this year. Things needed to stop and I lost my two cents income wholly. 

I tried to open a small business at my home and it literally keeping going but won produce as much as the other job. How to do more and keeping it going? I knew the answer but still, it never let me shine yet.

everyone has their shining time and I would love to believe that. I am not as young as before. I might diagnosed with illness that I dont want to acknowledge of. I need time to prepare but it still triggered me every time i need to face it. I cannot control myself. I am afraid. I wish, everyone would feel as I felt so that it wont hurt this much and ease my anxieties.

i wish to write only happy things in the future and may this sorrowful dissapears forever from my life and only contentment filled my everyday life in the future. i hope, i still got the hang of it to attract positives vibes to me. Allah, please grant all the blesses, happiness to me and put away all  the pain and sorrows. 

TAKUT

 I GOT FEARS

ABUNDANT OF FEAR THAT I AM AFRAID TO FACE ON,

WISH TIME WOULD STOP AND PROBLEMS LET ME FREED,

THE ONLY THINGS THAT EXCITES ME MORE NOW IS NONE OTHER THAN FOOD AND EATING WHICH HELPLESSLY  TO BE TEMPORARY.

THE TIMES I ATE, REMINDED ME TO THAT LIFE STILL GOES ON AND WOULD NEEDED ME TO STAND UP STILL 

I HATE THIS FEELING 

KEEPING THIS FEELING FOR SUCH A LONG TIME MADE ME WANNA LEAVE EVERYTHING BEHIND

BUT IT WAS NOT AS EASY AS I MIGHT THINK AND I SAY.

DONT COMPARE YOUT LIFE TO OTHERS. THAT LINE IS SUPER POWERFUL TO BE APPLY INTO YOUR DAILY BASIS AND TO FEEL IT THOUGH IS ALREADY A STRUGGLE

I KNEW SOMEONE I LOOK UP FOR, HE SAID THIS YEAR DONT THINK, FEELIT.

I WISH ONLY GOOD THINGS TO HAPPEN AMIDST THIS LOCKDOWN.

THINGS WORKS FOR ME BUT MANY WERE NOT.

THINGS THAT WERE NOT GETTING ME HEADACHES AND I THING IT GAVE ME A PERMANENT FEELING

FEAR/ TAKUT.

I DONT WANNA FEELING THIS ANYMORE EVER. THIS PAIN ARE NOT BEARABLE ANYMORE THAT IT DISTURBES MY LIFE CYCLE AND HEALTH.

STRESS DO GIVE ME WEAK IMMUNE SYSTEM AND I FOUND IT HARD TO FEEL HAPPY.  COUNTLESS PAIN OVERCOME ANY SWEET AND FRUITFUL MOMENT I HAVE. 

NEVERTHELESS , I AM STILL HOPING THIS PAIN WOULD STOP AND FREED ME FOREVER.