WOULD YOU WANT TO DISSAPEAR WITH ME?

Wonder when will i die?  what is the date of my death? i wanted to die first before the person i loves.  there is no use for me to keep living if i were to always cause harm to everyone. 

i did my best to fit in.  i just can not.  no one to blame.  i put the blames on me.  can you let me leave forever? i am tired. 

i even tired of myself.  would you comes with me? 

 

TIRED SMILE😢💖

As I was scrolling down my gallery,  I clicked 5 pictures with mama's figure.  She was right after her treatment. I forced her to smile for my camera as I wanted to cherish it forever.  

Then she give me smile and I quickly captured it right away.  Today,  as I opened up gallery, i saw the picture thoroughly.  I started to cry.  The smile that she gave me is none other however a pain tired smile but full of warm loves.  I cried.  

Mama,  this whole times, terima kasih for being my mama.  We lacked a lot but that are what make we cherish and love each other more.  

I love you and always sorry.  

Your lacking daughter.  I wish i could do more and be a really filial daughter towards you.  

NIGHTMARE DREAM 😵

I was waking up today crying.  I went into mama room and told her,  she left me.  Then she say,  no,  Mama is here right.  Then we continue sleep.  

For an adult like me,  I found it really hard to live without a mother.  I still need her on my side. 😢. It is not about independent. I can really live well in hardship but it is nothing compare to motherly loves.  

Mama is currently a chronic patient who undergoes dialysis treatment 3 times a week.  it made me tear apart when I saw her getting treatment everytime.  i was once remembered, mama was getting operation and that day i need to go back to my campua due to quizzes.  O was so scared and sad.  

I promised, I dont want to leave her behind.  I would do everything to her.  the journey is never easy.  I would quarrel in the way and it sometimes cut my regret away.  I really afraid of that.  i am afraid i would abandon her away 😢.  

When we quarrel,  it is not a normal quarrel,  it always a serious quarrels which sometimes made me cry for it later.  I just cant handle my angerment sometimes.  That was bad of me.  

Last night,  I was having nightmare that mama left me forever and I could not even see her at her last moment.  i was so sad. to be truth, it is not my first time having a nightmare like this.  it occurs multiple times already.  

and everytime,  i would cry heavily after waking up.  in thay dream,  I have a split heart.  one I accept the fact but the other one is a heavy missing feeling toward someone you could not longer see.  

. I am sad.  really sad.  

Mama is already at her fourth phase of life and i know her time would not be really long anymore. i just can not face the fact that i need to losing her soon. i love her always.  no matter what i say during our quarrels,  i just love her to dead. 

i hope she knew that 😢.  i dont want myself to be regret later.  i wanted to do everything.  it just i also cant help myself getting angry in the middle of the way taking care of her.  

i am a lack daughter.  i can not give you money but i wanted to do everything for you.  i hope i handle myself better before that.  

i love you mama.  do not leave me mama.  and you will always be in my prayer.  🕊️💖

FULL

It would never make me hungry again once I start to write.  Life is so memorable.  It teaches you so many things on the exact moment.  The moment you realised about it,  it is either make you blur or added salt into your plate. 

It really took me two or three years to realise aboit flirting and the moment I realise about it,  we parted away.  Born as a weak coward,  of course the courage would be far behind the bar for me to even asking him the truth. 

Learn about life on screen made me tearful enough to beat the table.  In future,  I would just let myself mingle in that surrounding hoping I am not spoiled everything. 

In hope love will find me and blooms once again. 


My language is matter for me to understand.  no for anyone.  I am not writing all of these to impress but only to express.  If you find,  my writing is weak,  you can leave out a comment and pointed out my mistake. 

I would love to improvise.  Just i hope for your understanding to let me expressing myself in this manner.  I am a people with accent,  so writing diaries would drag me into strong accent which is very hard to bear 

So lets we just go with this. 

DIARIES📑📝📌

I have many diaries being written online.  I feel the urge to write everytime I want and I can.  Am not good with expression.  Even reacting. 

I let life teach me on how to do so.  Many years would be need and I might suffer in the middle of the way but I had to choose not to care much about that. Let it be the way it wanted to be. 

As a history of my life, I wars born into a close to poor family.  But they would try really hard to feed me with love if they can not raise me well like others kids.

I still remembers one day I enrolled my first secondary school.  it was a science boarding school.  Previous day before I left,  mama and me would packing everything that is important.  I also have my eldest sister.  she also helped me.  We went there by an old car left by my late father. 

Soon after I enter the school gate I was mesmerized and excited into thinkinh that I will learn many things here and would try to succeed. 

That year is 2008 and I am 13 years old kid.  When our car passed through,  I see a few students welcomed us.  But they went into others way.  Quick thinking,  I know there are picking out their adopt sister by looking at car. 

I was hurt and sad.  Soon after, there was a kind and beautiful students came welcomed us with smiles.  She brought us for a registration and into hostel.  She told everything regarding the school to my mother. 

When mama left,  I cried and hide it from everyone.  it always happeing that way.  Everytime mama came for a visit and left,  I would cry in toilet alone.

How hard it would be for my mama to come alone driving a car and sometimes motor to give me homecooked food.  I was thinking nothing.  happy to be fed well. 

missing mama and know mama was enduring everything alone at home made me cry alone im toilet.  but my easy going attitude hide those scars inside. 

i never let it show. i am sad. to the point,  i am talking to one of my friend and she told me to be front of everything.  never hide it anymore. 

when you are sad,  tell people you are sad. when you are tired,  tell people you are tired. I be bold,  and tell everything. 

I felt lessen.  That day. 

KNOWING BROTHER EP35

Lee seo gun, he is not even a famous topstar in Korea, but he is the most admirable memorable  member in knowing brother.

To myself in future, keep reminding yourself does not matter how bigger the obstacles are, you cannot give up no matter what. They are so many people in this world and they are facing hardships just like you do. You need to keep moving on in order to stay.

Reminding those past is not sinful, cherish them. when it is too hard, loosen yourself a bit and release out.

Soo geun comes from poor family just like me. we dont have baby pictures, but my family are feeding us enough loves and warming heart. That is what I missed. i hope myself in the future would never miss out those details.

How mama gave love to my family, how mama took a really great care of us one family after abah passed away. Those lesseon really strengthen me without me knowing.

The most weakest point of me is when my mother is being mentioned. I never know until when she will be with us. her health is slowyly degrading. She have chronic illnesses, I know, the moments given to us is meaningful.

we cannot laid back. the time given is memorable for us to be created together. I hope, I can be a good daughter to my mama. I cannot give her huge money, but I want her to know my loves towarss her is infinity.



what scares me is what I am worries forever. everytime

HEART FEELING HEAVY 😢☔

Most of the time I write to express not to brag. I might die sooner,  maybe in two years I dont know as I really can not see myself in the future. 

Law of attraction never got me once this time. Ovulation is not the cause anymore,  as I am in right mind now.  

I reflect myself more often when I see others are doing well.  I wonder and ponder what is their biggest stumbling block?  Is that really could be considered as a stumble block?

I would not deny that some people would have it harder than me. The things is dynamic effect of it is too rare.  I am pitying myself.  I am patting myself.  

I am lost.  Lost and drown in passion people.  Seeing others getting too high spirited make me wanted to less moving.  Am not persistent for someone in my age.  

a weaker person as ever.  I admitted defeat too soon and rainbows are not even existed in my dictionary.  

Could not help but to compare their life with mine.  The sins are not too big as someone elses got  worst than mine.  so I was wondering for days,  months what am i doing wrong in my way of life? 

How could I sacrifice the things I really could not let go?  i wont.  And if I wont.i would stay forever in pit bottom.  which sometimes i considered as a hellhole when things are really not going right.  

is it too hard to endure alone. 

i only hoping for a brighter day for me to smile and not thinks otherwise about perceptions of life.

someday i will read this,  I know myself getting stronger day by days and passes hell. if I could live longer than what I imagined.