NIGHTMARE DREAM 😵

I was waking up today crying.  I went into mama room and told her,  she left me.  Then she say,  no,  Mama is here right.  Then we continue sleep.  

For an adult like me,  I found it really hard to live without a mother.  I still need her on my side. 😢. It is not about independent. I can really live well in hardship but it is nothing compare to motherly loves.  

Mama is currently a chronic patient who undergoes dialysis treatment 3 times a week.  it made me tear apart when I saw her getting treatment everytime.  i was once remembered, mama was getting operation and that day i need to go back to my campua due to quizzes.  O was so scared and sad.  

I promised, I dont want to leave her behind.  I would do everything to her.  the journey is never easy.  I would quarrel in the way and it sometimes cut my regret away.  I really afraid of that.  i am afraid i would abandon her away 😢.  

When we quarrel,  it is not a normal quarrel,  it always a serious quarrels which sometimes made me cry for it later.  I just cant handle my angerment sometimes.  That was bad of me.  

Last night,  I was having nightmare that mama left me forever and I could not even see her at her last moment.  i was so sad. to be truth, it is not my first time having a nightmare like this.  it occurs multiple times already.  

and everytime,  i would cry heavily after waking up.  in thay dream,  I have a split heart.  one I accept the fact but the other one is a heavy missing feeling toward someone you could not longer see.  

. I am sad.  really sad.  

Mama is already at her fourth phase of life and i know her time would not be really long anymore. i just can not face the fact that i need to losing her soon. i love her always.  no matter what i say during our quarrels,  i just love her to dead. 

i hope she knew that 😢.  i dont want myself to be regret later.  i wanted to do everything.  it just i also cant help myself getting angry in the middle of the way taking care of her.  

i am a lack daughter.  i can not give you money but i wanted to do everything for you.  i hope i handle myself better before that.  

i love you mama.  do not leave me mama.  and you will always be in my prayer.  🕊️💖