COLD ADULT

Been away exactly a month, I discovered many bad things about me. I have so many rocky sides. I am upset but I dont want to hide away my unlashed sides. 

If world willingly to acceot my shining side, they also should be able to accepy my rocky sides withiut failure. And again, I am explaining myself to be more kinder but I could not help.

Being an adult for 7 years, I realised why adult always cold; 

1. Miscommunication

2. Their problems should not involved kids

3. Egos

4. Short tempered

5.Problems

We cannot run from these things. We canmot hide it. Adults arguments always involved kids in the middle of the ways. They are victimise and disturbed. Only if adult can solve it verbally ad fronting. Why? Why the world is so cruel they dont let even kids stay calm. I also playedy part as well. I admitted I did wrong. Why world do rubbish?. I dont even want to love in this world. I told you. THE WORLD is so unfair filled with ignorant and cold people. What is scarier, I am also part of them. Till moment I die, I want to live the way I wanted and if I did things that are horribly wrong, you can just killed me right away. 

I wont blame. i am an adult, I am cold. 

MONTLY MOOD TEMPO

We spent to much time together. The different is he is too busy, while you are to lousy. Young Mi barely do nothing other than fan girling. 

That day, Jimin , Jhope and Suga fell asleep at living room after playing cards together. Ghen Young Mi wakes up them one by one. Jhope and Suga wokes up right aways and prepare themselves for the first thing.

However Jimin retaliates to do so. He pulls Young Mi close to him and with a raspy whisper voices, he said he wont wake up untill Young Mi be close with him. 

Young Mi asked him what she need to do, then Jimin went for smirking smiles. Both of them understood so. Young Mi thought Jimin was being playful so she ignores it. 

She went to other side of the house which locating a blue clear water with best designed by one of successful swimming pool architects in the world. She saw Taehyung with Jin were goofing around.

She left making sure all of them are ready. Once she pass by the living room, Jimin still unawaken. So she told Jimin to go int one empty bedroom. Jimin widen up his eyes and went after Young Mi pulls his hands. 

They went into the rooms hands in hand. Jimin lying on the be first and tap on the bed twice to make sure Young Mi also was lying together with him .

Being awkward, Young Mi was lying beside Jimin. Jimin starter to looking serious and went closer to her. Suddenly Jhope and Suga abruptly went into the room. 

Young Mi quickly rushes out from the room and saw that Jimin eyes was following her. 

Refuse to study deeper about the situation, Young Mi enters the kitchen and started cooking breakfast. 

It was all started since yesterday. She knew Jimin was flirting with her when she picked up them at broadcasting company. Young mi is an easy going person also goofing around with everyone.nin the car, she knew all along Jimin was peeping at her silently. 

Being profesional, she let is slide. Then it went bolder this morning when Jimin is asking her to go into a bedroom with him. Still being a profesional, she cuts him some slack noticed him she would only give two minutes to get ready and waking up. 

Being a persistently stubborn, Jimim was still at it. Then, Young Mi got flustered and went along with him. 

Thanks for the moment Jhope and Suga abruptly went into, she managed to escape. However, given  the moments for thinking, she  is indeed flustered. 

So love is blind and it comes naturally. Still needs development from that day. 

PAIN VS PEACE

Still do not know what is the way.

HURT 💔

Aku tak pantas untuk dia. 

Aku Selalu sakitkan hati dia

Aku selalu jujur dengan dia membuatkan dia sedih

Aku pantas mati.  sekarang supaya aku tak terus menerus menyakitkan hati 

WOULD YOU WANT TO DISSAPEAR WITH ME?

Wonder when will i die?  what is the date of my death? i wanted to die first before the person i loves.  there is no use for me to keep living if i were to always cause harm to everyone. 

i did my best to fit in.  i just can not.  no one to blame.  i put the blames on me.  can you let me leave forever? i am tired. 

i even tired of myself.  would you comes with me? 

 

TIRED SMILE😢💖

As I was scrolling down my gallery,  I clicked 5 pictures with mama's figure.  She was right after her treatment. I forced her to smile for my camera as I wanted to cherish it forever.  

Then she give me smile and I quickly captured it right away.  Today,  as I opened up gallery, i saw the picture thoroughly.  I started to cry.  The smile that she gave me is none other however a pain tired smile but full of warm loves.  I cried.  

Mama,  this whole times, terima kasih for being my mama.  We lacked a lot but that are what make we cherish and love each other more.  

I love you and always sorry.  

Your lacking daughter.  I wish i could do more and be a really filial daughter towards you.  

NIGHTMARE DREAM 😵

I was waking up today crying.  I went into mama room and told her,  she left me.  Then she say,  no,  Mama is here right.  Then we continue sleep.  

For an adult like me,  I found it really hard to live without a mother.  I still need her on my side. 😢. It is not about independent. I can really live well in hardship but it is nothing compare to motherly loves.  

Mama is currently a chronic patient who undergoes dialysis treatment 3 times a week.  it made me tear apart when I saw her getting treatment everytime.  i was once remembered, mama was getting operation and that day i need to go back to my campua due to quizzes.  O was so scared and sad.  

I promised, I dont want to leave her behind.  I would do everything to her.  the journey is never easy.  I would quarrel in the way and it sometimes cut my regret away.  I really afraid of that.  i am afraid i would abandon her away 😢.  

When we quarrel,  it is not a normal quarrel,  it always a serious quarrels which sometimes made me cry for it later.  I just cant handle my angerment sometimes.  That was bad of me.  

Last night,  I was having nightmare that mama left me forever and I could not even see her at her last moment.  i was so sad. to be truth, it is not my first time having a nightmare like this.  it occurs multiple times already.  

and everytime,  i would cry heavily after waking up.  in thay dream,  I have a split heart.  one I accept the fact but the other one is a heavy missing feeling toward someone you could not longer see.  

. I am sad.  really sad.  

Mama is already at her fourth phase of life and i know her time would not be really long anymore. i just can not face the fact that i need to losing her soon. i love her always.  no matter what i say during our quarrels,  i just love her to dead. 

i hope she knew that 😢.  i dont want myself to be regret later.  i wanted to do everything.  it just i also cant help myself getting angry in the middle of the way taking care of her.  

i am a lack daughter.  i can not give you money but i wanted to do everything for you.  i hope i handle myself better before that.  

i love you mama.  do not leave me mama.  and you will always be in my prayer.  🕊️💖